


Beautiful Goodbye

by ASnackForAlways



Category: Suits (US TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-17
Updated: 2020-06-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:27:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24776890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ASnackForAlways/pseuds/ASnackForAlways
Summary: Communication was never Harvey's strong suit. What was he thinking during all these pivotal Darvey moments and how did they lead to him knocking on her door in 8x16? A deep dive into Harvey's mindset to Maroon 5's Beautiful Goodbye.
Relationships: Donna Paulsen/Harvey Specter
Kudos: 7





	Beautiful Goodbye

**Hello everyone! I'm so excited to share this piece with you all! Few months ago I watched TOT, and I thought "What did go through Harvey's mind when he left?" So, naturally I had to put my thoughts on a "paper.. :)**

**Huge thank you to my beta tribe (Stefanie, Nathalie, Jo, Anna, Liz and more) for helping me make this into story :)**

**-Jane  
**

* * *

_**And I remember your eyes were so bright  
** _ _**When I first I met you, so in love that night** _

* * *

When Harvey met a certain redhead, he was immediately transfixed by her presence. It might have been the lighting in the room that was perfectly shining on her, the alcohol in his bloodstream that was slightly clouding his vision, or her silky smooth ginger hair that sparked his interest. Maybe it was her eyes - shining just so bright. He didn't know. But what he did know was that he was instantly captivated by her beauty. Which is why he'd made a move on her. However, the redhead quickly shut him down. And that threw him off. No woman has ever said no to him before.

No one except for Donna.

It was kind of hot.

Though it wasn't only her looks that attracted Harvey to her - even if she was the most beautiful woman he'd ever met and her eyes were just the right shade of hazel. It was her quick wit, confidence, and the ability to think on her feet, which made him interested in the person that was undoubtedly her - _Donna, as he later learned_.

He might have had no idea how _Donna_ she was then, but over the years that they've worked together, he found out everything.

As he got to spend more time working with her, he slowly uncovered everything that made her who she was: the fact that she took her coffee with skimmed milk, whipped cream, and sugar. How her eyes resembled frisbees whenever she was way too excited about something, or how her favorite flowers were lilies. But his personal favorite thing about hers was her ability to know everything about a person, just by looking at them.

Being able to witness those quirks made Harvey cherish her trust. With other people, she liked to put up a facade of sorts, to hide her true self, but not with him. She could be herself with him.

And he liked that. A lot.

Every little thing was like a layer or a missing piece of the puzzle of the mystery that was Donna.

Those small gestures - if you can even call them that - made Harvey's affection for the woman before him grow with each passing day.

From the moment that he turned around and saw her for the first time, Harvey couldn't help himself. He had to try and throw her off with a flirty remark or two. It was just who he was. Flirting with a beautiful woman and trying to beguile her was in his nature.

And yet with Donna, it was different. As days turned into months, Harvey's attraction turned into something else.

She was the first woman who actually managed to match his quick repartee, and she also wasn't afraid to speak her mind and put him in his place. It was something completely different. As if, in a way, she was immune to his charms.

He was fascinated. It should have frustrated him because he was usually the one who took charge and did all the work, but not with Donna. As much as it bothered him, it also made him feel something that he hadn't felt before - _Want._ From the moment he met her at that bar, she ignited this feeling inside of him to a point where it almost messed up his thinking.

But she turned him down.

As much as it hurt his ego then, there was something about her when she denied him, that Harvey just couldn't explain. It felt weirdly strong and powerful. Like something, he'd never felt before.

He couldn't do anything about it because she started working for him. But that didn't stop him from flirting with her every chance he could.

He couldn't help himself. She was right there, in front of his office, looking like _that_ in those clothes that showed off her pale skin, long legs, and her ginger hair.

Instead of focusing on his actual work, he'd spend most of his days wondering what was hiding under those clothes. Or what her body would feel like against his.

His fantasies got crushed when she told him that she didn't get involved with men that she worked with.

It drove him crazy. To a point where he had to chant "She has a rule," almost every goddamn second.

Until it all changed.

Days turned into months, and months turned into a year - or two. A difficult case that turned for the worse, had Harvey quit working for the DA's office and that same evening, his feet carried him home where he opened up a new bottle of Macallan and listened to his dad's records. In the midst of it all, his mind drifted to his redhead.

_How would she react to all of this? I need to find her a place to work._

_Speaking of work…_

Realization struck him and he shot from the seat and out of his place with one goal in mind.

* * *

They might have known each other for a long time, but this was the first time that Harvey had even crossed the lobby of her building. It was also the first time that he could hear his heartbeat ringing in his ears.

On the way there, his mind was set on only one thing. But as he got closer, he became slightly nervous - okay, more than slightly - over what her reaction would be.

_Would she throw him out? Would she be too stunned to say anything? Would she be on the same page as him?_

As much as it troubled him, he remembered what his dad had told him once.

_If you feel that she's the one, you have to chase after her, no matter what, Harvey._

And he knew that she was the one. Her rule had prevented him from pursuing what he really wanted in the first place - the feisty redhead. He had to be patient and wait for the right moment. It had taken a few years, but it would be worth it.

At least he had hoped so.

Shaking his thoughts away, Harvey grinned as he made his way towards her door.

The gold plated _206_ stared back at him as he gathered the courage to ring the doorbell.

He didn't have to wait long before Donna opened the door, and he was met with a curious look on her face... _  
_

* * *

 _**I count the ways I let you down  
** _ _**On my fingers and toes but I'm running out** _

* * *

As the sunrise seeped through the window, Harvey took a last glance at the redhead covered in nothing but a white sheet and he sighed. As much as he didn't want to, he had to walk away before she woke up. Otherwise, he wouldn't be able to leave this bed.

With a heavy heart, he slips out, careful to not wake her and gathers his things. After taking a last glance at her sleeping form, he made his way out of her apartment.

Last night was great - the best thing that ever happened to him even, but he knew that it was just a one-time thing. She had her rule and he wanted to respect that. Because he knew his plans for today, and if everything went smoothly, they would be working together again by tomorrow. But then there was something about the way she just fit in his arms and the way he got lost in her hazel eyes that made his heart beat faster and almost forget about anything else around him.

Or after, when she snuggled up to him, and his heartbeat picked up again, he knew that he was a goner. There was just something about her that made him think about his future and how he would like it if she was a part of it.

But then there was another part of him that just knew that everything about the future he saw with her didn't exist. It just wasn't possible. Not after his own mother cheated on his father. Not after him having to keep it a secret from his father for years. That devastated him enough to last a lifetime. And he didn't want to experience that kind of pain ever again.

Being with Donna beyond today seemed extremely impossible for him. It was just too much. Way beyond the one night stands he was used to.

Whenever he had a woman in his bed, it was just for one night. Just to satisfy his burning need and then he moved on the next day. But that wasn't Donna. No, she was not someone he could just have for one night only and forget the next day.

She deserved someone better. Someone that was worthy of her. Someone that would be there for the long run.

Not someone like him, who doesn't know how to have a long term relationship. And that's why he had to disappear before she woke up. He was not ready for her. There was a glimpse of a life beyond a one night stand, a life he could have, but it was just too much to contemplate. He didn't know what he would do if he saw the tears rolling down her cheeks. He just knew that he wouldn't be able to walk away.

He might have imagined how spending the night with her would feel like over and over again in his head, but the real thing was far beyond his expectations.

It was something that he never experienced before. It made his heart beat way too fast and his hands sweat with fear of the unknown.

Her body against his, her soft, but hungry kisses. The way she was just perfect, made his whole body burn with desire, longing for something that was familiar, yet foreign at the same time. Something that he hadn't felt in a long time, maybe ever. It felt like there was something more. Something way beyond the initial attraction that they both felt. The weight of that overwhelmed and scared him at the same time.

The thought of being with Donna Paulsen terrified him.

She was this confident, spectacular, witty, charming, beautiful woman and he wasn't sure that he'd ever be worthy of her. Not with the way he was now. Maybe never.

She was someone he saw with a family of her own. A husband and kids running around. Donna just didn't strike him as someone who would be with a man like him - a notorious ladies man, with a different arm candy almost every week.

She deserved someone that loved her freely. And Harvey knew that he wasn't capable of doing that.

Love was a word that lost its meaning to Harvey. He just knew that he wasn't capable of loving someone ever again after that.

And maybe that's why he hadn't had any serious relationships throughout his life. He just didn't see the point of having one, if, in the end, everything would go to hell. Though, there was his on and off relationship with Scottie that came pretty close to the real thing. It was serious enough to count, but not serious enough to commit.

And that's how he liked it.

Until Donna came into his life and changed his outlook, the second he met her gaze. From the moment that they met, he knew that she was different. How? He had no idea. But he knew that just sharing a glass of scotch, spending the night at her place, and then coming home was not something he wanted to do. Not with her.

She was too special to forget. And he needed her to be a part of his life somehow without committing to the picture that was slowly painting itself inside his mind when he looked at her.

And that's why, as he took one last look at the redhead before walking away, he had a plan in mind. Something to keep her close.

Even if it was just as a friend, he had to be a part of her life somehow.

* * *

 _**When did the rain become a storm  
** _ _**When did the clouds begin to form** _

* * *

Standing by the elevator, Harvey tried to maintain a straight face as he looked back on what happened that led them here.

In all the years that they have worked together, he'd never thought that he would find himself here. Feeling like he lost a part of himself when in reality it was just his secretary.

But the truth was that she wasn't just that. She was so much more.

She was someone that was there whenever he worked in the grey. She was someone that had always had his back. She was someone who didn't betray him once in eight years.

Not until now.

Why would she do something like that? Why would she hide a document from him? Why would she shred it and not say a word?

If he knew, he could have covered it up. Made something up. Protect his career. _Protect her._

If she had told him about it, they wouldn't be in this situation. He wouldn't have had to watch Jessica fire her. When she first started working for him, he never could have imagined having to fire her in the future.

And yet here he was, watching as one mistake took her away from him.

 _One goddamn mistake in almost a decade.  
_  
As much as he didn't want to, he knew that it should have been him who fired her.

_How do you fire a woman that you wouldn't even come to the firm without?_

She deserved at least that much. Seeing the look of despair on his face, Jessica told him that she would be the one to fire her - it was her firm after all - and he was free to watch from afar. He couldn't. It just didn't feel right to watch the woman he knew he couldn't work without, get fired.

It was too much.

Instead, he considered escorting her from the building, but the look on her face as she made her way towards the elevators stopped him.

She was sad, overwhelmed, and maybe even embarrassed for her mistake.

And she had a right to be.

Because it was her mistake. She had worked for him for almost a decade and had always had his back, no matter what. Why did she do it? Why did she go behind his back? How could the one person he trusted and admired, betray him? Betray his trust?

He wanted to be the one to say something to her. Yet, finding the right words was way too hard at the moment. Every word was suddenly stuck in his throat as he stood there, frozen in his spot watching the redhead leave.

He could only watch her walk away

* * *

Guilt.

That's what Harvey felt ever since he saw Donna leave the firm. The sad, overwhelmed, "I made a mistake" look on her face had haunted him ever since.

He knew that not firing her himself was a mistake ever since Jessica suggested it, but he didn't think that it would affect her this badly. Ever since that day, she ignored every message, every call that his temp left. And just by that, he knew that it was pointless to call her himself. She would just ignore it anyway.

He wasn't great either. Once he got back the firm, he noticed a sudden change. No, it wasn't that awful substitute for a secretary that Harvey wanted to kill just because he took Donna's spot.

Sitting in his chair, working on something, Harvey was used to just looking up and seeing Donna whenever he wanted. She would always just roll her eyes and tell him to get on with his work without even turning around. He was used to just saying something without pressing the intercom and she would hear it. He was used to her because she _got_ him.

And he missed that. He missed _her._

It felt like a part of him was missing when she left.

And that's why he was determined to get her back. He needs her at the mock trial, to win the real trial, cause it's the only way he would ever get her back.

After a few unsuccessful tries, Harvey decided that it was time to visit her. After all, they had a mock trial to prepare for.

Just like he expected, Donna didn't want to even speak to him. She even got a lawyer to defend her. A lawyer that was not him or anyone else from the firm - he would know if it was someone they worked with.

As he walked away, he hoped that she would show up to the trial in a few days... For her. For them.

* * *

_"The plaintiff would like to call Miss Donna Paulsen to the stand."_

Harvey didn't really think that Donna would come to the mock trial. After all, she said that she wouldn't. But a small part of him hoped that she would. She was a crucial part of the trial, and it just didn't seem like they would be able to win without her.

So when he heard Louis call Donna to the stand, he expected to see Rachel. As they had planned.

And that's why, when he heard the whole library break out in whispers, his gut told him that she had indeed come to the trial.

Seeing her walk up to the stand, Harvey slightly drifted off.

_Was he the one who convinced her to come in? Did she come in because of Mike? Why did she come, when she'd insisted that she wouldn't? Why would she change her mind all of a sudden?_

He didn't have time to think about it further, because suddenly he heard Louis ask _"Do you love Harvey Specter?"_ and his whole body stiffened as his head shot up. He at Louis and right after at Donna, who was as stunned as he was by the looks of it.

Waiting to hear her reaction, Harvey thought that Donna would say something or deny it. But she didn't. She just tried to change the subject as soon as possible.

It made Harvey wonder a little. Why didn't she say anything? _Was there a chance that she felt something? Could there be a chance that she was holding something back?_

Thinking about all the possibilities made Harvey's heart pick up a beat or two and his blood started boiling in his veins. What made it even worse, was Louis proceeding to ask more questions. Disturbing questions. Questions that he shouldn't have asked. Questions that made Harvey jump to her defense.

He knew that he shouldn't have done that. Fight her battles for her. He couldn't help it though. It was who he was. And there's also the fact that if he didn't, she would have been pissed at him - just like she was the last time. When everything went to hell.

This time, though, he might have gone a little too far - judging by the way she looked like a deer caught in headlights.

She was embarrassed. And ready to disappear from everyone around her. Which she did.

Without wasting another second, Harvey followed her to the elevators, ready to stop her and talk. But he was too late. She was already behind the closing doors.

After venting his rage on Louis, Harvey made it home and listened to his Miles Davis while he nursed a bottle of Macallan. This was his ritual for the next few days. Whether it was at the office or at home.

He just couldn't stand the thought of that disastrous trial anymore.

It was a lot for him to process. And he needed an escape.

And that's how he found himself on a train to Boston. To the only place where he could be himself and think about everything.

His father's grave was always a place of peace, recollection, and hurt for him.

It didn't matter what it was, his father would always listen to him, no matter how big the burden was in his chest. Gordon was always there for him.

Except now. These days, it was just Harvey. Sitting quietly beside his father's grave, he looked at the epitaph with tears in his eyes and a shot of whiskey in his hand as he thought about the person that meant _everything_ to him.

After spending time at the cemetery, Harvey was ready to get back to the city.

On his way home he found out that it was time to put their plan into action as Mike texted him an update on the case. They were ready to throw Hardman out. Which was something he wanted to do from the beginning.

They might have led Mike to believe that he was the one who came up with a way to throw him out, but Harvey was the one who had one thing he still had to take care of. He had to get Donna back.

He knew that it would be difficult because this was Donna. Stubborn as hell. But he knew that she would come back to him. At least he hoped that she would.

Donna was understandably pissed off and for once he wasn't quite so sure that she would come back.

But then again, there was no way that he was working without her another day. She made him the person who he was today. A better lawyer. She put him in his place. She was there when he needed a paralegal or an associate. She was _there. With him._

She was his compass.

Donna not sitting at her desk felt wrong. Just like it had felt wrong when they fired her.

And that's why he needed her to come back. She just had to come back.

He was way too stressed out as it was with the whole Hardman thing, he didn't need the stress of finding a new secretary on top of that.

He didn't want a new secretary, though. He wanted Donna.

He was finally able to breathe again when she agreed to his offer - even if it was under a few conditions. Making his way back to the firm, Harvey was ready for the next day. Because he knew that Donna, being _Donna_ , would make an entrance. It was the actress in her that loved all the theatrics.

And he always liked that about her.

Even though he expected it, seeing it play out before him, made Harvey struggle to keep himself from bursting with laughter. Instead, he made a remark about how Cameron was a floating temp and that he would be on someone else's desk by the end of lunch. As expected, it pushed Donna's buttons. Seeing her sit down, Harvey made his way towards his desk and sat down himself. Then, he winked at her.

He might have seemed normal on the outside, but on the inside, he was feeling relieved, excited, and way too happy about her return.

She was finally back. And everything felt right. Just like it was supposed to.

* * *

" _Caring makes you weak. It makes you unfocused, makes you lose your mind and it scares you to the core."_

That's what Harvey used to tell himself all the time. It didn't matter what it was. If it was a difficult case, he was there just to close it successfully and call it a day with another win under his belt.

It wasn't just legal cases though. Harvey Specter's mind was set on closing everything. Whether it was personal or professional.

He was a player.

He knew it. Everyone around him knew it.

Ever since his parents' divorce, he found himself practicing the sort of lifestyle where he just got the girl for a night and then moved on to another one. He liked it.

He liked the freedom it brought.

Being committed to someone, ruined people. Harvey had experienced it first hand. And that's why he vowed to himself that he wouldn't ever do that.

Being in a committed relationship leads to caring about someone else, and caring makes people weak. Harvey Specter wasn't weak.

He was an outstanding lawyer - the best closer in the city even. He didn't want the pressure of being tied to someone slowing down his work.

He just wanted things to stay the way they were. It had worked that way for years without any hitch.

Over the years, Harvey found himself using it to his advantage. Enjoying his victories with women, combining work with pleasure when he had to get shit done. Some people even thought that he played dirty, but he didn't care. Because playing by the rules never got him anywhere.

But that's what he did. He was a closer. The best goddamn closer in New York.

Everyone around him either loved or hated him for that. Some people from the firm even thought that it had gone to his head. But it hadn't.

Harvey Specter just didn't care.

And that's how his sort of superhero persona came about.

He was always about getting everything done without caring. It's just who he was. Because this way you wouldn't get hurt.

But he hadn't known Donna when he'd come to that realization.

Like any superhero, Harvey had a weak spot - kryptonite of sorts. Donna was his.

Ever since they started working together, whenever someone so much as mentioned her name, Harvey's blood started to boil and his attention peaked.

But all of that was nothing compared to what happened this week. This week he experienced something that he never thought he would. Something that made him look at himself in the mirror and wonder. Something that made his knees weak.

The Liberty Rail case was difficult all on its own, but it was nothing compared to the case that arose from that situation. They were almost near the finish line when an important document made an appearance. A document that Donna had managed to acquire.

It was a big mistake.

She impersonated an NTSB worker, and subsequently, Donna was charged with Intent to commit fraud.

At that moment Harvey's world spun on its axis and his worst nightmare became reality.

Donna could go to prison.

In all the years that they had worked together, Harvey thought of Donna as this smart, witty, charming woman who was always by his side. Never did he think that he would have to fight for her innocence.

He also didn't think that he would be scared as hell.

At the DA's office, It was his job to put murderers away. Not let them run free as Cameron did. Never did he think that he would have to make a decision like this again. Let guilty people go free due to a lack of evidence, or put innocent people away by mistake. Corporate law wasn't usually life or death, and rarely does someone actually have to go to prison. But here he was, willing to basically do the one thing that he despised. The one thing that made him leave the DA's office. Ignore evidence.

And for what?

Easy. It was to save her.

And, just like he told Evan, he would do it again. Because this was Donna.

* * *

It was done. She was free.

After a week filled with a lot of emotions, they were able to breathe a little better now. Every charge against Donna was finally lifted and they were ready to relax.

Leaving Mike's apartment, Harvey told Ray to make a detour and go to Donna's. Because he just had to see her. A text wasn't enough. He just had to see her in person.

On his way, Harvey started reminiscing about the times that he had been there previously.

Tonight was different, though. He was here to celebrate _their_ win and her freedom in person.

Everything that happened that week had made Harvey so busy, that he didn't have time to stop and think how Donna might have felt.

Emotions were something that Harvey didn't usually think about when solving a case.

There was no time. He just had to win the case and get it done. At least that's what he normally did. But not this time. Because this was a different situation. _She_ was different.

That past week he'd just spent alone in his office, beating himself up with guilt while he tried to come up with something. A loophole of sorts.

He knew what the possibility of her going behind bars would do to him, to her, to them.

_How did she feel about this? Was she as scared as he was? Did she have faith in him?_

There was no point in thinking about that now. Whatever possibility had been there, it didn't matter. She was free. _They_ were free.

Ever since he heard about Donna being charged, there was a small part of him that wondered if he could do it. If he could save her from that kind of life. Because there was no doubt in his mind that she could go to prison. He just didn't want to see it. And there was also the fact that he couldn't imagine a life with Donna in prison.

Just the thought of that brought him to his knees.

She was different. She was Donna. The most amazing woman he's ever met.

And he loved her.

* * *

Closing the door behind him, Harvey stopped for a second to take a deep breath before he tried to process what happened.

_"You know I love you, Donna."_

After their dinner, they sat down for a glass of wine. Throughout the whole night, they didn't say a word about what had happened this week. Harvey thought that if she would have wanted to talk about it, she would have mentioned it earlier.

Because, if anything, Donna was straight forward with her words. She always said what was on her mind.

Except for tonight.

In all the years that they have worked together after the other time, Harvey noticed a slight change in Donna's body language.

As much as she appeared to be the strong, witty, and caring woman, Harvey knew that there was more underneath. There were certain layers that made her into who she was. She might have appeared to be herself with everyone around her, but Harvey knew that there was something that she hid from other people. As if she was wearing a mask of sorts - hiding everything that made her vulnerable, underneath.

Thankfully, she wasn't like that with him.

She didn't have to pretend to always be this strong person. She was free to be herself. Caring, vulnerable, and affectionate at times. But most of all, she was the only person that had faith in him.

And that's what fueled him to save her from everything that was thrown at her.

He just couldn't bear the thought of her going to prison.

Donna was just different. And apparently, Harvey let it slip to Mike that one time in his office. He didn't think that he would say something like that. It was only when he left the office that he noticed his slip up.

In all the years that Harvey tried to keep his feelings for her at bay, he didn't think that it would come out like this. That he would be saying that to Mike of all people.

For years he had tried to hide it. Keep his feelings locked away in a box deep inside. He just felt like it wouldn't do any good. After all, she had her rule. And he wouldn't be who he was if he didn't play by the rules.

But then there were times where he had enough. Where he just wanted to stroll down to her cubicle and tell her everything before kissing her.

It wasn't the right time though. He wasn't ready. And he doubted that he'd ever be ready.

Though, there were times, over the years, where he thought about it. About how it would happen. How she would react. Would she feel the same way?

Did she want him the same way he wanted her? Or was he just a fool for assuming?

The possibilities were endless.

Just like the time that he'd spent at Donna's had felt.

Being in her company had always felt good, but there was something about today that felt different.

After the case was over, it felt like a huge burden was lifted from them and they were finally free. And that reflected in their behavior, too. And maybe that's why he felt that it was time.

Sitting on her couch, watching as she came back with a glass of wine, Harvey thought that this was it.

Everything was perfect. They were finally where they were supposed to be.

Until they weren't.

_"Anyone else ever loses faith in me, it doesn't matter. But with you it's different."_

Feeling like the events of this week combined with the alcohol that was running through his veins were enough. Harvey knew that he had to go before he made a fool out of himself and did something they would both regret.

"I should go."

Standing up and making his way to grab his jacket before heading for the door, Harvey stops as he listens to Donna's question.

" _Why?"_  
 _  
_What did she mean by that? Didn't she already know why by now? She's the one who always knows everything. She must have known this! There was no way that she didn't.  
She was the one who insisted that they never mention the other time again. The time where she mentioned something along the lines of 'falling for him'.

Harvey was always a man of many words in the courtroom, but this was different. This was Donna. She deserved an answer. But the thing is that he didn't know how to answer that. He had a hard time finding the right words.

_How do you explain to the woman that has been there for you for almost twelve years that you're scared? That the thought of loving her terrifies you? That even if they were to get together, the thought of something messing it all up makes you petrified?_

_How?_

But there's also the fact that this is Donna. She's the one who was there every time he needed her. She was the only constant thing in his life and he didn't want to lose that. She deserved to know that he felt that way about her.

And so he tells her.

_"You know I love you, Donna."_

Then he turns around and leaves.

* * *

_"You don't want to let those worlds collide, because you're afraid to risk anything."_

Harvey Specter didn't do emotions. It wasn't in his nature to feel something. Not after everything that happened in his life. It was quite the opposite actually. He tried to keep his emotions hidden from the world. Not ready to risk getting his heart broken. He wasn't ready for the history to repeat itself.

Everything from his past had made him focus on work and work only. Being successful in his field without any complications was something he wanted to accomplish from the beginning. But the real world showed him that it was different. It wasn't about "just win the case and get it over with." And yes, caring made you weak - Harvey experienced it first hand, but he knew that it wasn't like that anymore. The people in his life showed him that. _Donna_ showed him that.

And that side of him, the softer side, was reserved only for his family. Because family, or Marcus and his dad, wouldn't betray him the way his mother had.

And Donna was family.

That's why there was no time for slip-ups when her life was on the line.

Being vulnerable only made things worse. People got hurt, maybe even murdered. Working at the DA's office taught him that. So that's why he had to be sharp as ever.

There was no time for distractions, no matter how much he enjoyed those. He had to be focused on one thing only. And that was to get Donna free of her charges.

He had to focus, be strong and quick.

He couldn't show his true emotions now. No matter how much he wanted to.

He had to be strong. He couldn't just run away and hide, scared as hell for her life.

She was different. All the years that they have worked together showed him that. It also showed him that he cared way too much about her.

Over the years, the women he's dated were beautiful, smart, successful, and suitable for someone in his position. Some of them were even considered marriage material. But those relationships never lead anywhere because something prevented him from it. _Someone_ had prevented him from it. He couldn't let himself go there. He couldn't risk her. He couldn't let those worlds collide because even though he wanted to, he still didn't feel worthy of being with her.

Worthy of her letting that rule of hers go.

And that's why, as the years passed, he felt like something inside of him was slowly changing.

He wanted to become something more than a friend. Someone that was worthy of being with a woman like her.

Because she was Donna, and she was worth it.

He _needed_ her.

She was someone that he needed in his life, but not just as his secretary. He needed her to be something way beyond that.

And for the last couple of hours, Harvey wondered if he would be truly ready to move past his struggles and be finally happy with the woman that's been by his side for over a decade.

She had managed to do something no one else ever had. Slowly, she broke the walls around his heart and made him show his other to the world - or to her at least.

Being near her made him different. He didn't have to hide behind a mask. She challenged him, pushed him to be a better man - a better lawyer.

With her, his chips were always up. She got him like no one did.

Their friendship was like a two-way street. He knew everything there was to know about her. How she took her coffee, her relationship with her family, the way she hated certain things. They knew way too much about each other.

With Donna, everything felt different. But at the same time, it felt right. As if he had found his match in her.

And he was too tired of being only a friend of hers. He wanted more.

He didn't want to push all of his feelings aside and ignore what they had any longer. But he didn't want to lose her. And being in a relationship with her would have done that. So, her rule was something he used, to hide his feelings behind.

He settled for something he didn't want to be. He didn't want to be _just_ her friend. Even if it was probably better that way. Because he knew deep down that he wasn't ready for something more. "More" scared him. He was scared of what being in a committed relationship might do to him. Scared of him pushing Donna away.

So, this was the perfect alternative. Because having someone in his life like Donna was worth it.

As their friendship progressed over the years, Harvey realized that some things were getting under his skin more than he liked. It didn't matter that he was just her friend, some things Donna did, made him react more than he liked to. Whether she had a boyfriend, remodeled her apartment, or tried to mend her parent's relationship. It didn't matter that those things made him jealous, caring, or way too interested in someone who was just a friend. He was there for her anyway.

Because the need to protect her and put her first was there from the beginning. No matter what.

But then Donna got charged with Intent and his whole knowledge of the law got tested. He just had to break her free of those charges. Even if he had to do some illegal things in the process.

It was something that Harvey feared would happen from the moment he met her. But thankfully, he was successful and she was free. Just like his feelings for her seemed to be.

For years he had tried to keep them at bay, locked deep inside his heart. And for what?

He tried and tried, but one look at her and he was doomed. Being near Donna Paulsen every day and not feeling something was really impossible.

And this case proved that. It showed him that his feelings for Donna didn't die.

The thought of a life without her made him want to drop to his knees. And maybe that's why Harvey did something he never had before in his career. He let his heart take charge and confess that he loved her when everything was over.

Encouraged by a little bit of alcohol in his bloodstream and the look she gave him, Harvey had excused himself and left her apartment, but not before he said something that changed _everything._

_"You know I love you, Donna."  
_

That line has been haunting him for the last 10 hours.  
 _  
Why the hell did he say it? Why couldn't he keep his mouth shut?_

He spent years hiding his feelings for her. Trying to act as if nothing was happening. Only to put everything out on the line in one night.

_Why the hell did he do that?_

For the last ten hours, he's been thinking about that moment over and over again. But he couldn't find the right answer to his questions. The image of Donna's shocked features as he left was too much for him.

For years he thought that she knew everything there was to know about him. Only to be proved wrong in one night.

How did she not know this?

How did she not know that he loved her?

He has been there for her whenever she needed him. Whether he had to take her somewhere to cheer her up, agreed to have her parents stay at his apartment, or all the million little things that made her smile over the years.

He thought that meant something. That his love for her was visible.

But clearly, it wasn't.

All day, Donna wasn't at her desk. He couldn't find her anywhere. And he needed to see her. To explain everything. To explain why he said it.

What happened yesterday might have been great because he finally said what had been eating at him for years. But Harvey knew that it wasn't the right time. She wasn't ready to hear it. And he wasn't ready either.

For years he tried to keep his feelings inside because he was scared of what it would do to them. He knew that her rule was an important factor, but he also knew that he was afraid to risk anything. Risk _her._

Because, if they took a step towards _that_ direction, something would go sideways and he would lose her.

Just like he almost lost her last time, when she got fired.

And he didn't want to experience that again.

This wasn't a work matter though, it was something more. This was them and Harvey didn't know what to do.

On one side he was ready to cross the line and on the other he was way too afraid of the consequences.

But that side was stronger and that's why, when Donna finally came to his office, he tried to brush everything under the rug and pretend as if nothing happened.

But he didn't count on one thing.

And that was how Donna reacted. She didn't want to brush it away. She wanted to talk about everything. Harvey knew that deep down, he wanted that too. To address everything that's happened.

But this wasn't how he wanted to do it. Their lives just got turned upside down and he didn't want to add this to the fire. No matter how much a small part of him wanted to.

Everything that they have been through together over the years had caused him to stay silent on that matter. He didn't want to risk their friendship. Because their friendship was way too important to him. Even more than the chance of having a relationship with Donna.

As much as he wanted to cross the line, he couldn't. Because he knew that if something were to happen, he would lose her. So, that's why he brushed everything off and tried to get back to their normal.

Too bad Donna had a different idea.

Apparently, she was done with everything. And she needed to get away from him. So, she quit. And went to work for Louis.

Because he opened up, Donna left him. For Louis of all people.

So yes, caring made people weak, but losing Donna made his world stop.

* * *

 _**Clever words can't help me now  
** _ _**I grip you tight but you're slipping out** _

* * *

" _I'm leaving you, Harvey."_

Never did he think that the woman he couldn't imagine working without would be leaving him for someone else. In all the years that they have worked together, Donna had made it perfectly clear that she wouldn't leave him. This was a first.

From day one, they were a team. Working like a well-oiled machine. She just got him. But he also got her. They were perfect together.

Until all hell broke loose.

One goddamn sentence was all that it took for Donna to break her word and leave him.

Had he expected it? Definitely not. Would it have hurt less if he had seen it coming? Probably not. But this felt like a gut punch. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't think. But most of all, he couldn't see the reason why she would have left him.

Yes, he said that he loved her. So what? It's not like that would have gotten them somewhere. She had her rule and he didn't want to cross the line. Because that would have broken them. And there's no way that he would have risked that. And she knows it.

So that's why he said that it didn't mean anything. They had everything already. And he wasn't going to be the one to play with that.

But Donna had a different idea. She wanted him to say something. To acknowledge _them._ He couldn't do that. He didn't know how. Never in his wildest dreams did he think that his silence would make her react this way.

They had managed to keep working together for all these years, because he had stayed quiet, amongst other things. He knew that if he had said something, they wouldn't have survived. Never did he think that it would have this effect.

That this would leave him without her. That she would leave him.

For Louis, of all people. It would have felt different if she left to go somewhere else. But she started working for Louis. Which, in Harvey's mind, was a betrayal on its own.

He hated every second of it. He hated what this whole thing did to him.

He was used to being in control. Whether it was work, clothes, or relationships. And this new development in their partnership threw him off his game.

He couldn't sleep, think, or breathe. It felt like he was underwater and he couldn't swim to the surface.

Nothing had ever affected him this way before. Not even his father's death.

But he'd never had a secretary leave him before. From day one, Donna was too loyal to betray him like that. The trust and loyalty that they had built over the years was something people around them were jealous of. He just didn't think that one day she would break it in an instant.

And that pissed him off.

It was all too much for Harvey. So much so, that he started having panic attacks.

Seeing a therapist didn't help. Quite the opposite. She was useless in Harvey's opinion. She thought that he was projecting his feelings about his mother onto Donna. Which he wasn't. There was no way that he would have panic attacks about that. He dealt with that betrayal years ago.

This was different. But he didn't know how to explain it. So he just tried to cope with it.

How? Simply by moving on.

For now, Donna didn't want to come back and he had to respect that. Even if he was bitter about everything, he had to move on. By getting a new secretary.

The blonde one might have caught his eye, but he couldn't do that. He couldn't just hire someone, date them to take his mind off of recent events. This wasn't the time for that. So, that's why he hired Gretchen instead. Who might not have been his first pick, but as the days passed, Harvey noticed that she was a great secretary.

At first, she reminded him of Donna with the way she got things done professionally. Personally? No one, in Harvey's book, stood a chance against Donna Paulsen.

And that's why he had to accept their new arrangement. No matter how much he hated it. It was time that he acknowledged their long-lasting partnership in some way. Donna deserved that much. Especially after what she told him in his office one day.

" _I've spent twelve years putting you first and the day I've finally decided to do something for myself, you didn't just stop treating me like family, you started treating me like a stranger."_

He didn't get it at whole reason behind her leaving him. In his mind, it wasn't that serious. He thought that she would come back quickly. That they would be _them_ again. But as the days passed, and he let her speech simmer in his head a little, realization struck him as he heard Esther's husband speak.

" _I did give up everything for you. I put my life on hold. I sacrificed my dream for yours. I'm never gonna get those years back."_  
 **  
**How could he not see that? All those years she had put him first. Sacrificed her dream of being an actress, for his. She put her life on hold. And for what?

He was a complete idiot. Donna has been there for him all this time and he couldn't even acknowledge that. Instead, he treated her like a stranger.

She gave him her all, it was time for him to give something back to earn her trust again. And become _them again._

But how?

A thank you wasn't enough, even if it was a start. Harvey knew that Donna deserved something more. When their work anniversary came around, he knew what he had to do. He tracked her down in the file room and asked her about their tradition. Thankfully, she agreed.

And that's how they found themselves at their table at Del Posto on a Wednesday night.

As their dinner progressed, Harvey realized something as she talked about everything that had been happening in her life lately. He missed that. He missed their talks in his office with a glass of Macallan in their hands.

He also realized what a fool he had been, when he let her slip away from him. And there, at that dinner, Harvey vowed to himself to never let it happen again. He wanted them to go back to what they were again.

But that idea, and his happiness, were short-lived because Mike got arrested and Harvey had to focus on that. He had to put his armor back on and try to get him out.

His focus shifted to that task entirely. So much so, that when he came home one day, the sight before him surprised him. There, sitting on his couch, was Donna. Her words surprised him even more. She was there to tell him that she was coming back to him.

And in that moment, Harvey knew that everything was right again.

* * *

_**And I can't take it, you're even perfect when you cry** _

* * *

Every person is met with a dead-end situation at least once in their lives. Unless you're a lawyer. Because then it feels like that's more than half of your job description.

And Mike's case was no different.

Harvey knew that one day they would get caught, but he didn't know that it would feel like this. Like he's the one responsible for everything. After all, he hired him, despite the circumstances that came with it.

But he wouldn't be him if he didn't try and get Mike out of prison. Even if he had to take his place. Because after every unsuccessful option that he came up with, that was the last thing that he had to try.

He had to take the plunge and turn himself in. Save Mike. Save everyone. It was just fair in his mind. After all, he caused this. He agreed to hire him. So, he had to get him free.

Even if it meant that he would lose his own freedom for two years.

And that's how he found himself at Donna's. He knew what he had to do and there was something inside of him that told him to see her. Because he knew she would try to change his mind. And there was a small part of him that didn't want to go through all that and he hoped that she would talk him out of it.

Because if anyone could do that, it would be her.

He had to see her, even though she said that he couldn't go to her at all hours, he knew that this was something he had to tell her in person.

After all, it was Donna. And she deserved to know his next step.

He didn't even have to wait long to tell her, because he knew that she saw the look in his eyes. And that told her everything she needed to know.

_"Why aren't you talking to Dr. Agard about this?"_

That surprised him. How did she know about her? She wasn't supposed to know about that. Does she know about the panic attacks, too? If she does, he's screwed. He tried to keep that part of his life from her for so long. He didn't need her to pity him. To see him fall. To see him vulnerable.

He had to be strong in her eyes. There's no other way.

_"Don't do it. Don't fall on your sword again."_

Except this time he had to. There was no other way. He had to turn himself in. Because there was a slight chance that they might not win. Not this time.

_"You don't always have to be the hero."_

Harvey might have embodied this superhero persona when tackling a difficult case, but this time it was different. He didn't want to turn himself in to be the hero. This whole mess that they're in was his fault and he had to do something about it. Because of him, everyone was at stake here. Not only Mike but the whole firm. Jessica, Louis, Donna… Everyone would suffer because of him. Because he thought that hiring a kid without a degree would be fun. Everything that's happening was his fault. And he had to pay for his mistakes somehow.

_"No Harvey, it's not. It's Mike's fault as much as it is yours."_

But what if it isn't? What if it's just his fault? He can't just throw Mike under the bus because of his mistake. He's not that person. He never was. He can't be that person. That's why he quit the DA's office. And that's why he had trouble with Cameron's case that one time. It just wasn't in his blood to do so. He was way too loyal for that.

" _Don't you get it? I'm not asking you to throw him under the bus. I'm asking you to believe that the two of you are worthy of being found innocent."_

How can she say that? How can she ask that? They're guilty. Everyone knows it. How can the jury find them innocent when even Harvey doesn't believe in that? There's no way in hell that he will sit there, in the courtroom, and listen to the verdict, when he knows that he can do something about it.

They were guilty. There was every chance Mike wouldn't be found innocent. There's so much at stake here.

But that didn't mean that he couldn't wonder. What if Donna was right? What if they were really innocent?

Donna's faith in him had always amazed him. Maybe this time the jury would have faith in them, too.

He could trust Donna's faith. Twelve years proved that. So, if she had faith in them, then he had to have faith in her.

And if he can't do that, then he will go to Gibbs' office and turn himself in. Even if Donna doesn't want him to do that.

" _Because I think you're worthy. And I don't want to lose you."_

The weight of those words hung in the air as he looked at her. The look on her face when she said that made him grab his things and head towards the doors. He couldn't see her break. There was no way that he would be able to control himself if he saw her break out in tears.

Her tears and vulnerability were his weakness.

_"Go to the courthouse in the morning. Sit with Mike until that verdict comes in and show him that you have faith in him. Like I have faith in you."_

Mike's case got the better of him and it showed. But not as much as Donna's words did. He knew that he came here to bid his goodbyes of sorts, but when he left her place her last words haunted him.

How could he turn himself in when she said that? How could he leave _her_ for two years after she told him that she didn't want him to do that?

Over the years, when it came to big decisions, she was always his compass. Guiding him into the right direction. He didn't like to admit it then, but her words always had a way to change his mind.

But this time, it wasn't that easy. He had to do what felt right for him, even if that meant that people around him would lose faith in him.

* * *

 **Yeah we got knocked off course by a natural force  
** **And well, we'll be swimming when it's gone**

* * *

_"I want something more."_

What did she mean more? Did she mean professionally? Or was it something _else_? If that's the case, then why did she not say something sooner? Could this mean that they were ready to take the next step?

But how could they take the next step when he's not sure where he's standing?

Yeah, he's fixed. Not having panic attacks anymore, but the issues regarding his childhood were still there.

How could he commit to Donna when every relationship that he's been in was ruined because of his past?

If he commits, he will lose her. And he doesn't want that.

Donna's the only constant thing in his life. She has been for over a decade. And he doesn't want to ruin that.

But he also wants something more, too. And it scares him.

Donna's words made him realize something. He's tired of everything not working out, relationship-wise, and maybe that's why he wants to try. And the only woman that comes into his mind is the same one that helped him be better. Which is how he finds himself in front of Paula Agard's house.

* * *

He didn't think that he would feel like this, but being in a committed relationship was great. Paula was great. She was a breath of fresh air when he needed it the most. She was a wonderful girlfriend, she got him. She made him forget everything that was going on in his life and he needed that.

Being with her was great. Everything was perfect.

Until it wasn't.

Louis and Paula were adamant that he tells Donna about his new relationship, and after a lot of thinking, he plucked up the courage and told her. He was hesitant at first - this was Donna after all - but once he told her about Paula, it felt like a huge stone fell off his chest. He didn't like to keep things from Donna, but he also feared her reaction.

He knew that his new relationship was kind of rushed, but he was happy. Or as happy as he could be, so that's why he needed Donna to be okay with this, too. And she was. Which was great.

Until she walked into his office with a smile on her face while holding a key. To his apartment.

When he first gave her that key - after he went on his first business trip and needed her to look after his home - he never thought that he would be receiving it back.

Not like this.

It made him feel something that he couldn't explain. As if a part of his life had come to an end.

But he had to be happy with it. She was his friend after all. And she would still be there for him. Just like he would be there for her.

He just didn't think that the time would come sooner rather than later...

They were in the middle of the Clifford Danner case and Malik decided to subpoena Donna. Naturally, his stress levels grew tenfold as they did whenever she was caught up in something.

Which is why he'd been trying to come up with something that left Donna out of it all. But the time was ticking and he still hadn't come up with a solution. It bothered him. A lot. So much so that he was getting way too anxious to think straight.

His mind was clouded and he didn't think about anything else other than her. He needed to get her out of this. And he needed to do it now.

And because of that, he did everything in his power to leave her out. She didn't need to take the stand in his mind, but Malik thought differently. And that's why Harvey had to sit there and watch the redhead get questioned by that goddamn asshole. He hated it. Seeing her get humiliated on the stand for being a COO. When Malik made it look like she slept her way in order to get it, Harvey felt guilty. Guilty for not putting a stop to it, but also for the way she always got those kinds of questions.

But then, Donna pleasantly surprised him when she didn't break. In fact, she stood up for herself. And he liked that.

He always did.

* * *

The case was over and Jessica got disbarred. And Harvey's feet carried him to Donna's office where he hoped she would be. He needed to see her. Louis, too. He needed to break the news to them as soon as possible, but Donna had different plans.

Seeing her propped against her windowsill, Harvey let out a deep breath before crossing the threshold. She was there, and she heard him come in. Because her attention perked up and she looked up.

Before he had the chance to say anything, Donna closed the distance between them and wrapped her arms around his neck as she kissed him.

_What was she doing?_

Harvey's eyes closed as the initial shock washed over him, the feeling of his lips on hers, combined with her scent overwhelmed him and he melted into her, deepening the kiss. Before he had the chance to tighten his grip around her waist and get lost in the moment, Donna pulled away and left him standing there, in her office.

But not before she said those words.

"I'm sorry. I just had to know."

Once she left, Harvey's was in her office all alone. Feet glued to the ground as he wondered what the hell just happened.

_Why the hell did she do that?_

Why did she have to make him feel like that? He's in a relationship and she went and kissed him out of the blue. Why? Didn't she realize this would make him feel like a cheater?

She knew his stand on that topic. She knew it very well. _Why did she do that then?_

He had a girlfriend that made the world go away, so why did he feel this way?

Why did he feel like Donna's kiss hit him straight to his core? And more importantly why did he feel this burning need inside of him?

After all those years, those feelings he'd successfully tried to store away, broke free. Even after he tried to ignore them by dating other women, that one kiss was all it took for them to resurface.

And that's why he was angry at her. She kissed him. But he was angry at himself, too. Because he let her kiss him. Heck, he deepened the kiss. He let her make him a cheater.

And with that in mind, he hurried home with one thing occupying his mind.

That was until he found Paula on his couch.

Just seeing her there made him realize that he couldn't tell her about the kiss. It would ruin them. There's no way that he would ruin the best relationship he'd ever had in his life. Not now.

Instead, he panicked and asked her to move in with him. Because she made him feel like the world didn't matter. And he needed that now more than ever.

Paula told him to wait, because she didn't want to rush things, not after her last relationship.

So, he watched her leave for the kitchen as his mind got clouded with the events that happened in the last few hours.

As he thought about it more, he knew that he couldn't tell Paula about it. He had to find a better time. Let things straighten out first.

He had to find Donna and get all the facts first. And he needed to find her as soon as possible.

* * *

_"I told you Harvey, I needed to know."_

What the hell? What did she need to know? Their lines have been perfectly straight for years. She made that clear from day one. Why would she need to ruin that now? When he's in a relationship with someone else. It's not like he wants something more.

_"Well, for the record neither do I. I didn't feel anything when I kissed you, Harvey. Whatever I thought might be there, wasn't."_

How can she say that? He's in a committed relationship. And Donna messed with that. She messed with his consciousness. And now, she tells him that she didn't feel anything? How could she do that?

Now, because of her, he has to keep a secret from his girlfriend. Which he hates. He didn't think that he would find himself in a position like this.

And that's why he had to tell Paula the full story about them.

And he had to do it soon.

* * *

_"If you keep working with Donna, we won't survive."  
_

A few days later, Harvey found himself in his office, thinking about those words. After he finally told her the full story about his relationship with Donna, Paula surprised him with this.

She felt threatened by Donna.

In all the years, everyone always saw them as a packaged deal. No one, not even his girlfriends have questioned the nature of their relationship. They knew how important she was to him. Heck, he was a better lawyer with her around. How could he fire her?

And that's how he found himself in a battle.

One part of him wanted to honor his relationship with Paula, to make things work with her, to make _this_ relationship last. But the other part of him didn't want to lose Donna. How could he throw thirteen years away?

It wasn't possible.

But she messed up with his love life and he couldn't accept that. He couldn't just stand there, and see his relationship crumble because of a mistake. He also couldn't sit there and listen to Paula's words about his COO.

Over the years, he always took Donna's side when it came to it. He always defended her. It was just who he was.

Then why the hell couldn't he do that now?

Why did he have to sit there like a lost puppy and be silent? Why couldn't he just say those words?

Why did he have to sit there and watch as Paula wanted him to fire Donna?

He was a coward. A coward that was affected by a simple kiss. His world got knocked off course and he didn't know what to do.

He knew that he wanted to say that he wouldn't fire her. That he couldn't fire her, but those words got stuck inside his throat.

Instead, he tried to come up with a reasonable solution that would leave everyone happy.

And he did.

He asked Stu for a favor to hire Donna. Stu agreed. Who wouldn't? But Donna found out about it and she was far from happy. In fact, she hated it. He did, too.

_"Then why didn't you stand up for me?"_

He wanted to, but she put him in this position, and his anger prevented him from standing up for her. Making her leave the firm wasn't fair. He knew that. He also knew that he was too scared to approach her with this earlier.

Scared, that he would break and say something he shouldn't.

So instead, he went behind her back and betrayed her.

After all the time that she has been there for him, he couldn't even be there for her. He had to find a way out.

Something that would prevent him from firing her. But he couldn't see a solution.

_"Maybe I do."_

Wait. What? What was she about to do?

She always made his problems go away. Fixed everything. But this was different. He had no idea what she was about to do. And that somehow scared him.

With that in mind, Harvey went on with his day, until he walked back into his office and saw something unusual on his desk. A letter. With Donna's signature.

Crossing the space, he picked up the letter and started reading.

His eyes skimmed through the letter pretty quickly, until he got stuck on her words...

_"Effective immediately, I, Donna Paulsen, hereby resign from the firm."_

Once he finished reading, his feet carried him to the elevator without thinking. There was only one task in mind as Donna's words were repeating in his mind.

This had gone too far and he had to put a stop to it.

A few days ago Paula wanted him to make a choice. Even if she didn't say that exactly, he knew what she wanted him to do. And he couldn't do it then, but it seemed like he had no choice. He had to make a decision. And he had to make it now. With that, he got into a cab and headed to Paula's.

And he did what he should've done from the beginning.

As much as he wanted this to work, he knew that he couldn't do it. Because when Donna chose to hand in her resignation, it felt as if something was ripped from him. And he didn't want to feel like that again. Not after last time. Not ever.

He chose Donna.

After he broke things off with Paula, he went to Donna's apartment.

He doesn't know what exactly made him go, but he knew that he had to see her.

She wasn't his secretary anymore and this wasn't _that_ , but it felt pretty similar. Seeing the letter on his desk made him feel lost again.

When he saw her reaction to Paula's ultimatum, it confused him a little. She knew that he had to make a choice and that made him have some questions. But, seeing Donna's face almost break out in tears made him feel hopeless. He hoped that she would somehow fix it - she always did. He knew that he had to make a choice. No matter how painful it was. Her letter confirmed it for him.

It's also how he found himself knocking on her door. He needed her to come back. And he wanted to do that in person. Because this time, a call or messages from his secretary won't be enough.

He also told her about the break-up.

_"Are you okay?"_

_"Will you come back?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Then I'm okay."_

And he was. Because she's not leaving and he's ready for everything to go back to normal.

Because, after all, he didn't lose thirteen years. He didn't lose _her._

* * *

 **All the pain you try to hide  
** **Shows through your mascara lines as they stream down from your eyes**

* * *

" _Sometimes shit happens you couldn't see coming. Knocks you into a different life."  
_  
He's been through a lot lately and he needed a distraction. A night out with drinks and burgers. Everything that happened in the last few days was getting under Harvey's skin and he needed a break. So, when Mike suggested a night out at a bar, Harvey jumped right on it.

He enjoyed it. That was until Mike started prodding for answers. He knew that he couldn't just let it go, because Mike would always find a way to get stuff out of him, so he told him.

_"It's a long story, but it led me to realize that Paula's not the one."_

" _Because Donna is?"_

He didn't think much about it then. But that was a few weeks ago.

Since then, he had a run-in with Scottie and had to help Jessica. He flew back just in time for Mike and Rachel's ceremony. He couldn't miss Mike's wedding. And Donna knew that. So, he was glad that she called him. Because the ceremony was beautiful and he was happy to see the man that Mike has become. Seeing him up there made him realize how much he had grown - how both of them have.

As he heard their vows, he couldn't help but look at Donna. Because without her, standing here wouldn't be possible. She was the one who helped him grow into the man that he was today. Seeing her standing across from him made him think about something he hadn't in a long time, maybe ever - as perfect as she was, she had never taken the plunge and gotten married.

The thought of him not being the only one without a committed relationship here was somehow comforting.

It had been a wonderful day.

That was until Mike told him that he's leaving the firm with Rachel. They were starting a new life in Seattle.

It felt like everything was crashing down around him again.

Not only was he losing an outstanding lawyer, but he was losing a friend. It hurt. But at the same time, he knew that it was right for them. They were destined for a different life and he couldn't stand in the way. He just had to support them.

Yet, that didn't mean that he couldn't be a little sad about it. Even though he tried to hide it, there was one person that saw through his mask. Like the last time he lost someone important to him, Donna approached him.

She must have known what was going on because she didn't mention it. And he appreciated that. Instead, he offered her a hand - they were at a wedding after all - which she took and led him to the dance floor.

Dancing under the lights, with their newlywed friends nearby, felt pretty special. Yes, they had many opportunities to dance together over the years, whether it was a gala or a mandatory charity event, but this time it felt different.

It might have been because of the recent events, the atmosphere in the room, or the way she looked in his arms, Harvey didn't know. But what he _did_ know was that having Donna Paulsen in his arms somehow felt like home.

She looked absolutely beautiful in her dress. Hell, she always looked beautiful, no matter what she wore. But tonight was something else. She looked absolutely radiant.

And as they swayed to the music, Harvey thought about Mike's words again.

He didn't say it then, but Mike's question about Donna being _the one_ had stayed with him. Was she? Is that why he'd done what he'd done?

After the break-up, they became close again. They shared drinks in the office, joked around… It felt like they were back to being them again. But what if Harvey didn't want that anymore?

What if he wanted something more?

His friend was leaving him, everything was changing and there was only one thing that stayed the same.

What if this time it was different? What if this wedding was meant to mean something to _them_? What if there was a tiny chance that they could be something more than just friends?

Her, being in his arms just felt right. The feeling of her skin under his fingers sent shivers all over his body. Or the way she smiled whenever she looked at him with those twinkling hazel eyes that made his heart beat a little faster than usual.

There was something there. And he felt it. As much as he wanted to act upon his feelings and do something that had long felt inevitable, he couldn't.

He still couldn't find the courage to take the next step.

_It wasn't the time, nor the place.  
_

As much as that moment would have been perfect for them to pursue what has been inevitable for years, Harvey knew that it wasn't right.

Mike and Rachel were moving to Seattle, the firm was going through a tough time yet again and he couldn't do this to Donna. He couldn't ignore what was happening around him by letting his heart free. He couldn't patch the hole this way. He couldn't just go after her, because he was losing someone. But he also couldn't let his feelings cloud his judgment.

He was missing Mike and he couldn't let that be the reason behind him doing something he would probably regret. Yes, he has toyed with the idea of wanting more, but this isn't how he wanted to achieve it.

And that's why he let his focus shift.

He had a firm to build back to the top.

So, he offered to partner up with Robert Zane, who seemed to be the perfect solution at the time. He also brought a lawyer with him.

Samantha Wheeler. A great lawyer, but he hadn't heard much about her. She kind of reminded him of Mike.

Mike - who he still missed. It just wasn't the same without him there. And maybe that's why Harvey took on a pro bono case that had Mike's name written all over it.

Deep down, Harvey missed him. He missed having him around.

This case showed him what Mike meant when he said that corporate law wasn't for him.

It was nice solving this case. It also showed him that not everything was about the law.  
Harvey spent all his life trying to build his career to where it was. He always wanted to be at the top. But now that he's reached the top, Harvey wanted something more. Something that was way beyond the law.

Mike's absence and this case showed him that. Then Marcus reached out and he had to fly to Boston because his brother was getting a divorce.

And Harvey's world started slowly crumbling down.

Never in a million years would he have thought that his brother would have to go through this. He always thought that his and Katie's relationship would last because they had been solid for years. Quite frankly, he couldn't imagine a life where his brother was divorced.

Harvey hated this. He hated what it did to their parents when they went through this. He tried to talk Marcus and Katie out of it because he knew what it would do to the kids. They were so young and innocent. They didn't deserve to go through this.

No one really does.

But, they were set on getting a divorce, no matter what Harvey said.

That whole thing took a piece of him. Seeing the excited smiles of his niece and nephew didn't help either. Their whole world was changing and they didn't even let it show.

His heart ached for his family. But he also swore that if he were ever lucky enough to commit to someone, it would be forever. He never wanted to go through this kind of pain.

Being in Boston always seemed to bring out a side of him that he didn't think he had. Whenever he was there, he didn't have to pretend to be this big hotshot lawyer, always wanting success. He didn't have to be the hero here. He was just Harvey.

And the way he felt when he was here surprised him.

After years of battling with the pressure to be at the top, Harvey figured out that not everything was about that.

Everything around him was changing and he couldn't do a damn thing about it.

Mike and Rachel left, Marcus and Katie were getting a divorce, and Louis and Sheila were having a baby.

All the constant things in his life were gone. Everything around him was crumbling. Even his oldest client was leaving him. _  
_  
He wasn't great. He was furious.

And that's what he told Dr. Lipschitz, too.

His family, both at the firm and in Boston, was falling apart. Everyone was leaving. Everyone was putting their own happiness first and that's what angered Harvey the most.

Everyone around him seemed to have everything. They were happy and thriving. Yet, here he was, stuck on the same old path that led nowhere.

He was tired. Tired of living the same old life where everyone leaves. He already reached the top professionally, but this time he wanted to reach it personally, too.

Because, as he learned lately, work wasn't everything. And he needed something more.

Something that was way beyond the firm.

Both Marcus' divorce and his therapy sessions taught him that even if a relationship ended badly, the years spent with a significant other were all worth it.

It also led him to realize that the only constant person in his life was Donna.

Ever since the wedding, their relationship had shifted. As if the ghost of the past events wasn't haunting them. They were back to their usual selves. Flirting, drinking, talking on the phone…

It didn't matter if his family was torn apart, who the managing partner was, or what the name of the firm was. Whenever his chips were down, she was always there to cheer him up. She was always _there._

And now he was about to lose her too.

* * *

" _And Harvey?"_

_"Yes?"_

_"I'm actually surprised she stayed with you for all this time, but she won't wait around forever."_

As Harvey ends the call with a roll of his eyes, something about Scottie's words makes him think about his past.

If someone would have said something similar to him a few years ago, he would have brushed it under the rug and laughed. But that was then.

When he wasn't in the right headspace to start a relationship with the woman that his heart desired.

He hadn't been certain about his feelings for her for a long time. Yes, there was that spark from the beginning, but that was it.

Or so he thought…

As he repeated Scottie's words over and over again, it actually started to make sense. _She wouldn't wait forever._ She wouldn't wait for him to be ready.

But how would he know if Donna was on the same page?

Yes, she kissed him a few months ago, and they shared a few moments here and there ever since, but how would he know if she felt something? Especially since she said that she didn't feel anything when she kissed him.

He just had to have faith and do something that he's never done before in a relationship - he had to take a risk.

And that's what he did. He followed her to the elevators and tried to make small talk before he found the courage to ask her something important. But before he had the chance to do that, the elevator dinged and Harvey's world fell apart as he saw this familiar tall man put his hand around Donna's waist.

He was too late. She had already moved on.

With their client no less.

In all the years that he'd known her, she had made it perfectly clear that she would never get involved with someone that she worked with. No matter the circumstances. But then, Stephen came around and she broke her rule for him.

And it bothered him.

Over the years, whenever she was seeing someone, it didn't sit well with Harvey. But it wasn't that big of a deal, because they weren't that serious. The thought that she didn't consider settling down with someone was somewhat comforting at times.

That was until Thomas.

He was a great guy. From all the times that he heard about him from Louis, Harvey thought that he was damn near perfect. He was a tall, smart guy and he didn't appear to have any baggage. He was a perfect fit for Donna. And the thought that she could someday settle down with him made Harvey's blood boil.

And yet, he had to act like it didn't mean anything.

She was happy with him. And Harvey didn't, _couldn't,_ take that away from her.

He had to support her. Be happy for her. And do what he's been doing for years - be there for her.

And if that was by helping Thomas get a better deal, then so be it.

He meant a lot to Donna, and Harvey knew that it would make her happy if he tried to save his deal. So, that's what he did. He tried. Because Donna's happiness was everything to Harvey.

At first, he didn't want to tell her anything. If things were to go sideways, he didn't want her to suffer, too. So that's why he stayed silent.

Until he didn't.

She always had a way to make him admit something to her. This time was no different. He knew that she wouldn't go and tell anyone, so he told her everything that was happening.

And he trusted her enough to keep quiet.

But then, the deal didn't go through and everything backfired.

Donna did something that Harvey didn't see coming - she told Thomas everything. And then everyone found out what he did. Which resulted in not only his client firing him but also in Harvey getting sued.

And yet it didn't worry him that much. Yes, he was getting sued. But he would get out of that easily. What angered him though, was the fact that Donna broke privilege.

In all the years that they have been together, that had never happened. They've always trusted each other with everything. And now this happened.

Honestly, it felt as if she had lost faith in him. In his ability to make everything right. And that hurt. More than he liked to admit.

She broke privilege. And now there's a chance that he might lose his license because of it.

Not only was he in trouble, but so was she. And that mattered to him more. Because, whenever she's in trouble, he can't think straight. Just like he can't right now.

From day one, seeing her in trouble was damn near impossible without breaking something. She was just too important. And she didn't deserve to go through this.

Not if he had a say in it.

Throughout the hearing, Harvey's mind kept going to her and all the reasons why she wasn't there. It felt weird without her there.

Whenever he had a big case, she was always there behind him. But today was different. He was alone.

He didn't get disbarred.

If this had been a different case, then he would have had celebratory drinks with her at the office, but not now. Now, she was probably with Thomas, while he was at the office. Alone.

Everyone went home to their significant others and he was just there, walking to Samantha's office to keep her company because Robert took the blame and Harvey knew how that felt - having a mentor get disbarred.

He was preparing himself for an evening at home, a lonely glass or two of Macallan, and nothing to fill the silence around him, but then there's something about Samantha's words that made him jump from his seat and run towards the elevators without an explanation.

_"What am I supposed to do when I have a big victory or a terrible loss and the only person I want to run and tell isn't there?"  
_

How didn't he see it sooner?

All these years…

She was always there. Believing in him. She was the one who saw through his baggage - who he truly was. She was the freaking one.

As the past fourteen years went through his head, Harvey rushed towards her. As he made it out of the elevator and down the corridor, the familiar gold numbers stared back at him as he knocked.

She opened the doors and looked at him. Harvey let out a breath as he looked at Donna's face. She was there. And from that little taunting smirk, she was ready.

And then, as he took those three steps, everything changed.

* * *

 _**Holding back won't turn back time  
** _ _**Believe me, I've tried** _

* * *

A year ago his future was uncertain. He didn't know where he was or what he would do. If he would continue being a lawyer or not. If he would be in another relationship or not. Then, he took three steps that changed everything for him.

He had finally acted upon his feelings and gone after the woman his heart desired the most.

Who would have thought that acting on your feelings would feel so good? Harvey certainly hadn't. Otherwise he would have said something way sooner. But now, he knew that he wouldn't change a thing. Because being in a relationship with Donna Paulsen was the best thing that ever happened to him.

Seeing the badass COO that she became whenever they crossed the threshold of the firm was great, but seeing her in the confines of their home was even better.

Coming home to her curled up on their couch with a book, eating shitty Thai food with her feet in his lap, or during the tough cases when he came home and she just cuddled him close to her as they both fell asleep, was one of his favorite things about their relationship.

And he loved every second of it.

Especially when he got to introduce her as _his girlfriend._ That term always brought a smile to his face when it came to her. Because he, Harvey Specter, was finally in a relationship with Donna Paulsen. And it felt right.

So goddamn right.

Until they got married a few months later and he found out that having Donna Paulsen as his wife was even better.

There were no uncertainties anymore. Even though he knew that this was it from day one, that they would be together forever, feeling that silver band on his finger was indescribable. Knowing that Donna Paulsen agreed to marry him and be with him despite who he was, was everything.

 _She_ was his everything. For a whole year now.

And that's why he had decided to surprise her by coming home earlier today.

They were both supposed to have a day off today and celebrate. But a case got in the way and he had to go to work. Thankfully, he was done and ready to be with his wife now. With a quick detour, Harvey made his way home and smiled as he crossed the threshold and saw her.

Donna was there, sitting on the couch, with a photo album in her hand. Curious, he got closer and greeted her with a sweet kiss.

"What are you doing?" he asked once they parted and he sat down next to her.

Donna looked at him and smiled. "Just reminiscing."

"About?"

"Everything."

A few years ago, those words would have confused him, but now he just smiles and kisses her forehead as she curls up to him. "I love having everything."

She raises her eyebrow. "Oh really?"

Harvey nods as he closes the distance between them. Then he says: "You're my everything."

Donna can't help but roll her eyes. "You're such a sap."

"Because I'm with you."

Donna smiles as a few tears managed to escape. "I love you."

"I love you, too." They kiss again. Then, once they parted, Harvey muses as his hand travels to her slightly protruding belly. "You know, I couldn't imagine doing this with anyone else."

Donna smirks. "Not even with Scottie?"

"No."

"What about P—" Her words get lost in the air as he interrupts her with a kiss.

"There's a reason I'm married to you. It's you. It's always been you."


End file.
